Today starts summer vacation. While this is not all that bad, the problem comes in when my 14 year old daughter wants to go to my parents for the summer. She and I have been fighting and arguing about it for the last week.
I have very valid resons for not letting her go down there. I haven't discussed them with her because I just don't know how to approach it with her. When I was her age my step father raped me. So needless to say I have a hard time with her going down there at all, let alone for the summer. I am not sure how to let her see my point of view without distroying her entire world. I think she is old enough to know what happened, yet I don't know how to say it to her.
Any suggestions would be very helpful. I know in a couple of hours when she gets home its going to start all over again.
[question posted by Erilyn]
responses and comments:
This is a rough situation for you, Erilyn. I do not allow my children to go to my mother's house, and my mother is constantly bagdering me about it. On Mother's Day I actually called her to wish her well, and she started asking me when the children would come for the summer. I dodged the question as a gift to her for Mother's Day, but I will not dodge it next time we speak. I will just give a firm No, and will explain why if she persists. You have a much more difficult situation. Does she know or suspect any other reasons for your stance on not letting her go? [Transdisc]
Trans, just to let yiou know i am having problems sending messages now for some reason, I tried to send one to you several times but i guess you didn't get it. I have also tried to send a couple more. I am still getting yours, so if you are not getting them let me know ok? [Erilyn]
I hope she eases off about it for you so you don't have to go into details of why you don't want her to go. I'm ready for the summer vacation to start but ours doesn't start for another two weeks. I take care of teacher's children and when school is out for the summer then I am off. I don't really have any suggestions for you because I've never been in that same spot. But I hope everything turns out good for you and that she quits fighting with you about it. [sweetgirl_k1]
Thank you. This has never been this big of an issue before. It may have been though becasue we always lived close enough to my parents so that she could still spend time with her grandmother. My mother would take her out for lunch and that kind of stuff, she would spend the day wioth her and come home. I normally look forward to summer because we normally have fun together and do a lot of things together. [Erilyn]
Erilyn, wow this is a hard situation. I suppose, If I were in a similar situation, i wouldn't go into much detail, but I would tell her, WHen I was your age, something horrible happened to me, and one of your grandparents were involved, I don't want that same thing to happen to you, so I will not allow you to go there unsupervised. I would simply tell her, I will not budge on this issue, regardless of how many times you ask, because I simply cannot, FOr your safety, I cannot allow you to go see them w/out me being there. It's not that they are horrible people, but I do not want you to have to face the same thing I did. I hope you understand, but even if you do not, it does not matter, you will not be going. then if she continues to ask, tell her that if she brings it up again, she will be grounded from the interenent (or phone or whatever). Then try and help her find some fun things and plan some activities that you can do as a family during the summmer. A suggestion, have your kids write down fun, free (or inexpensive) things they'd like to do, have each of them write down a few ideas, you and the hubby do the same, throw them in a hat, each week pick a new one and do that on the weekend. It will help her be more excited about staying home, especially if she gets to do one of her ideas, and who knows, maybe it'll help build a stronger family too! Good luck to you and your family! [wmaharper]
Thank you barbrajdt, and to answer your question its not him I am worried about to say the least. She already thinks he is an a$$ so he isn't mr. wonderful to her at all. It's not him I am protceting. I know it prolly sounds strange, but its my mother I am protecting. She has already lost all of her family just about becasue of everything. The only one she has left on her side of the family is my grandmother, and thats becasue she is senile and doesn't know most of the time whats going on. My mother has been punished for what happened more than he has. His side of the family is still there you know? I am worried about how my daughter will look at my mother after I have the talk with her and let her know everything that happened. While I have no respect for my mother any longer, I still love her and I don't think she deserves to lose any more than she already has becasue of HIS actions. The only part my mother played in all of this was to stay with him after she learned of what happened. That's why I have no respect for her any more, and I prolly never will. My mother is a dependant type of person, and she felt that he was the best she could do, I can understand it in a way, but if it were me and he hurt my daughter I would have prolly done some very aweful things to him. [Erilyn]
You are in a terribly difficult position. But I think you can see that this secret is causing some serious problems for you. I certainly can't imagine how you would broach a subject like that, but I think that honesty is the best approach here. At 14 she is old enough to understand what you are saying. Now I am sure that she will go through a lot of emotions, including thinking you are making it up just to stop her going, but if you stick to your guns and answer all her questions truthfully then, perhaps, she will gain some insight into your not wanting her to go. And from that perhaps some respect for you that you were willing to go through all this fighting and heartache to protect her from a predator. Good luck. [muppetsnap]
Thank you, the only ones that it is secret to are my kids. My other 2 don't fight with me on this. They are younger 10, 9. and they want to be here spending time with their friends. They don't understand why my daughter is fighting me so much on it. I thought this ws something I would be able to keep away from them. I am afarid it's not though. And you are right she will probably think i am lying to her. unfortuantly though I think it's time to have that talk with her. Lord knows I don't want to or even know where to start. I have decided that if I am going to have to have the talk with her, then I would be completely honest. There is no reason to lie about it. hopefully it will go as smotthly as possible. [Erilyn]
I think you should tell your daughter the truth. It may be difficult now but in the long run you will be protecting your daughter. She will realise that there are real creeps out there and that she needs to be careful. If it's difficult to come out and say that he actually raped you,you could say that he made a pass at you or molested you or something, though I think it would be best if you just told her the truth. One way of easing into the topic is by watching a movie that deals with this subject together (I saw Volvo recently which dealt with this)or you could watch a tape of one of those talk shows like Oprah. It is time your daughter came to realise the kind of man your step father is, she's certainly old enough to deal with the truth and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Tell her the truth. [MakeItCount]
Thank you makeitcount, I tried to talk to her a couple of times now and she has gotten angry and walked away. She doens't want to hear it. I think it might be becasue part of her knows I am telling the truth. It's a moot point now anyway though since she got summer school. She can't go because of that. [Erilyn]
Oh I feel for you with this, believe me I do. I think though you'll need to sit down and talk with her about it. At 14 she's old enough to understand at least the basics. You need to let her know why you don't want her spending time there when she'd be alone with him for such long periods since the grandmother wouldn't be there while she's working. She might not want to hear it or believe it, just to warn you especially if she idolizes him at all, but you need to stress to her that it happened and you are not about to put her into the same situation where it could happen to her. You are being a good parent in keeping her safe. If worse comes to worse tell her if she tries to go you'll call the cops and have her reported as a run away. I would suggest before having the talk with her you call your mother and make sure she knows you do not want your daughter spending the summer there with her. That there isn't room for debate on the subject. [emeraldisle]
It's crazy isn't it? When I was in FL I never had the problems with the school system that I have now. I am always in contact with the school whenever my kids are out. The only problem I ever had was when my oldest was in kindergarten. There was a girl she sat next to in class who constantly had head lice. she had 4 other brothers and sisters in the same school. Whenever one of the kids would be sent home the mother would only treat the one child not the others. My daughter was constantly getting it from her. After the 3rd time and I found out what was going on I went to the school to ask them about the policy. Then come to find out becasue all of the kids had different last names the other siblings were overlooked. The got fixed quick fast and in a hurry, and I never had another problem. [Erilyn]
Why do you want to shhot yourself when summer vacation is here.It is the only time when you can be your own boss, no school ansd no teacher, do whatever you feel like doing.Keep awake in the night and sleep throughout the day, no one can blame you. [spiderdollar]
I take it by your response that you didn't read the post only the title. I would suggest that you read a post before responding to it. Most people would rate you negitivly for doing that, and possibly report you for going against mylot guidelines. [Erilyn]
Tell her what happened to you. Maybe then she will have a better understanding of why you don't want her to go. Tell her you are just trying to protect her from what has happened to you in the past. As for you not know how to tell her- there is no easy way of telling your daughter you were raped it is horrible that that has happened. But she really does need to know the reason why you don't want her to go. [bugabug1]
I tried talking to her when she got home from school today, She screamed at me went to her room and slammed her door, I am going to try again later. It's no easier for me to tell her then it is for her to hear apperantly. [Erilyn]
I must say this is a hard one but you do know that you can't let her go near him I know I was scared when my mother said that she was oing to let my sister live with her father as i know what kind of a monster he his I hate to see these discussion in my lot as it just makes my head ache can you handle letting her know what happened if so let her know if you can prevent her from going then thats good but if telling her is the way you see out then do so maybe you can tell her that he tried to rape you or he touched you if you don't want to be totally honest and if it will get her from wanting to go there I pray to god I never have a female child I have a son and worry with tthe increase guy population but would not be able to deal with my daughter going through anything I went through "_" I really don't have much trust for men I don't even think I would trust my bf with his own daughter [sidoney]
I have treid to talk to her about it, she doens't want to hear it. She doens't want to think bad about anyone in the family at all. For Instance my brother recently got into drugs real bad. She has done nothing but try to defend him to me when I say that my mom needs to kick him out. She says he has gotten better etc without talking to anyone. Maybe when she calms down I will be able to talk to her again, I cna only hope. [Erilyn]
What a good news for you.I still have two weeks for vacation.The worse thing is that my vacation takes only one week since I have to start my summer practise this summer.I'll go to south of Turkey,Antalya for the vacation.I'll go to pubs at nights and beaches in mornings.I've missed the summer time. [umitcicek]
This is the second one makeitcount that didn't read beyond the title of the post. Why people do that is beyond me. It's so fusterating isn't it? [Erilyn]
Look i know how hard this is to tell her. You need to tell her what happened to you. Set her down and tell her that you need her to listen to you. Not to talk but to just listen and hear what you have to say. Then tell her the reason why you don't want her to go to your mother's house for the summer is because of what happened to you at that age. Tell her all about it and don't skip any of the details. I know that it's going to hurt to tell her but trust me once it's out and all is said and done then you can tell her that she can think about it and let you know if she still wants to take that risk. Now the other thing is don't forget to let her ask any questions that she has to ask that will help you and her feel a little better about this. Let it still be her choice but make sure that you tell her this that way she don't see it as all of what you want. This will show her that you care about her side of it all as well. This is a very hard topic to discuss with anyone i know. I was molested when i was younger so i know how you are feeling. do what ever you can to have her see your point in the matter at had and how much it hurt you to have had this done at such a younge age. If you start crying don't stop talking and let her know how much it still hurts to this day the feelings and the anger and all of the rest of the emoutions that fallow. [jamie11982]
I have tried talking to her the last few days and she has gotten angry and walked away. I don't want to push the issue with her but I have been trying to tell her. It's not something I really have to push right now because she got summer school so she won't be going anywhere anyway. But she will know soon about it, even if I have to talk to her while she is angry. [Erilyn]
I think at 14 she is really old enough to know what happened. I'd probably tell her the whole thing, you have no reason to protect your step-father after what he did. And, you'll probably have to tell her someday anyway, because if she has children you wouldn't want her to unknowingly let them stay there. Start by telling her that it is hard for you to talk about but she needs to know the reason that she can't go alone. This is only my opinion, and I've never been in this situation. I thought maybe the more opinions will help you make your decision on how to handle it. [Sherry12]
I am not protecting him at all but I can see how it would look that way. I explained in a previous comment i made about my mother. I have been trying to talk to her, however she has gotten angry about it and walked away. She will know about what happened, it's not an issue I really want to push though. Now she has summer school so she won't be going anyway. [Erilyn]
I think for your daughters safety you need to set her down and just tell it like it is. Tell her what he did to you and that you don't want anything like that to happen to her because you love her too much to see her hurt. She is old enough to understand so just be straight forward. [craz2max]
Yeha I know the nothing can hurt me i'm invincible thing. I am hoping that after thinking about it she will realize it's all for her own good. [Erilyn]
That secret should have been broken a long time ago. The key to stopping sexual assault like this is breaking the silence. I don't let these lurches lurk around in my life or around my children. Their names are known, and especially to my children. My father molested me when I was three, and there was not one day in my children's lives that they were around him. They all knew why. EVERYONE in my family knew why. I ran my mouth, so he did not have a chance to do this to another child. He has since passed away. I regret not pressing charges on him. [barbaradjt]
Thank you barbradjt, it's not a secret really the entire family knows about it I didn't keep quiet either. Both my mother's side and his side. We had to go to court and everything at the time the state decided that keeping families together was more important than doing anything more. He pled no contest to the charges that the state brought against him, and got sentanced to therapy. I just haven't told my daughter what happened yet. She knows something happened to me at her age but not what exactly it was. I commented on your previous comment about protecting him. [Erilyn]
oh my thats bad.First off, i'm sorry for what had happened when you were around her age.Thats something that should never happen to a 14 year old. If you're gonna tell her about what happened its gonna hurt her feeling very bad cuz she likes being your parent'.So i suggest that you give her an alternate excuse for her to not spend the summer there. But anyhow,do you think your step dad would still do something like that again now that he should be quite old enough?If yes,sending her there would definitely be a problem. [sensesfail]
Well she won't be going because she got summer school. I still am going to talk to her about it though. It's not something that's going to be easy for me to talk about with her. He is 50 now, but thats beside the point, at any age he would still pose a threat as far as I am concerned. [Erilyn]
I think you must dare to tell he the reason for your not letting her to go to your mothers place,but i feel the situation your facing is veryu tough and you have to be very carefull and ask or request her to spend her vacations in another exciting way wher you please help her,if you thing that it is not the right age to tell about your past you had. But i think it os beeter to let her know about your past. Anyways all the best. [rapolu_cs]
I have been trying to talk to her about it, she has been angry every time I have tried. She has summer school, so she won't be going anywhere this summer. So I have pleanty of time to discuss this with her. [Erilyn]
This is tough but you have to choose between the two evils: telling her so she won't go or not telling her and expose her to the same danger you had experienced. I think the first one is the lesser of the two evils. You have to tell her but do this when she is in the right mood. If she is in a fighting mood, she will never get your point. Have her confidence first, let her sit down and make her feel comfortable with you, offer her some food so you can really talk. Then tell her the truth, the dangers that might happen to her if she insists. If, after knowing she still wants to go, I think you should also go with her and keep an eye on her. [funny52f]
I have been trying to tell her, she has been getting angry and run away. I am trying to have a calm discussion with her. She won't be going becasue of summer school so I have more time to talk with her about it. I wouldn't be able to go with her if she insisted after that. [Erilyn]
First off I love your name! Regarding your daughter hell no do not let her go down and she is old enought to tell what happened to you! I think she is thinking you are being unreasonable! I know your not and she should also know! Then she is going to realize that you are only protecting her and that you love her very much! A side note I am sorry that you had such a horrible experience at a young age! [liperoterachel]
Thank you, the name is a combo of my first and middle names actually lol. I finally got her clam enough to talk to her about it and she said that it would never happen to her because I taught her how to protect herself. She said I had done a good job in that department. I explained to her that it didn't matter, I wasn't going to let her get put in that situation to being with. It's moot anyway she got summer school and won't be going anywhere this summer. Thank you for your concern as well. [Erilyn]
Having to deal with teen-age kids is like sailing through very rough seas...your situation is one such example. I am sorry for what happened to you. It has really affected your relationship with your daughter. I understand how you feel about the situation of not allowing her to spend the summer with your parents. But since your situation was different from her situation now, do you think it's "safe" to allow her just for a week to go down there in order to meet her halfway? When you allow her, talk to her, explain to her, give some "house rules", etc. I think your 14 year-old will already understand that what you're doing is just out of concern for her safety. Then, also talk to your parents and express your fears, concerns, worries so that they too can help you resolve the problem.... [psyche49f]
I don't like that fact that no one would be there to supervise her. I am really not comfortable with her being there anyway, esp knowing that she would spend time alone with him. She can't follow rules at home lately, I can't trust that she would else where. My mom thinks that I am worried about nothing, she says that it would never happen. I asked her if she ever thought it would happen the first time, and she didn't say anything about that. [Erilyn]
I just came across your discussion but I have to leave in a few minutes, so I don't have time to read all the replies. I'm curious though, did you talk to her yet? I'm sure you had a lot of advice telling you that you just need to sit her down and be honest with her. I have a 14 year old daughter too. It is definitely a challenging age. We're at the point where we need to start giving them a little independance but we still want and need to protect them. Take care. [miamilady]
Yes I did talk to her, and her response to it all was that it would never happen to her. She said that I taught her well enough to know how to protect herself. She said that she wouldn't let anyone touch her inapporpriatly, I tried to tell her that I didn't want to put her in a situation that she could potentially get hurt. She doesn't seem to understand it all I guess. [Erilyn]
I also had 14-year old twins, both girls,well...it starts the day right, in the middle, a bit of tantrums and at the end of the day, all I can say is forgive me for yelling and shouting all the time on this day. This is the stage where teens have their raging hormones, the stage of being aggresive, impulsive and most of the time, being disobedient. What their parents like, they dislike! What we're fond of, they're unfond of! It's the most disappointing stage where parents want to surrender being parents, but after all, because our children are very dear to us, we need to sacrifice and understand every bit of their attitude. More so, whatever experiences we might have with them, as far as i"m concerned, they, too, will pass that stage with our loving and tender cares. [jeanbug23]
I know that one, having a fit first thing in the morning, and then right before bed. They think they know everything and that we are morons. I cna't wait for her to get normal again. At the rate she is going I may just have to strangle her before she hits 15 lol. My mom always said that she would rather raise 10 boys than one girl and I now understand exactly what she meant! [Erilyn]